


The void of loneliness

by Cristalandmoon



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Drama, Implied Relationships, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-29
Updated: 2019-11-29
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:28:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21599959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cristalandmoon/pseuds/Cristalandmoon
Summary: Inside of a cell on Horde Prime's ship, Catra wonders how she ended up there.
Kudos: 52





	The void of loneliness

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [La agonía de Catra](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/538528) by • K o u •. 



> Gee, this is gonna be fun.  
> Sooo this is pretty much a translated one-shot I made a couple weeks ago. Inspiration hit me all of sudden, and I ended up saying: "well, why don't we post it on Ao3 as well?" "What? Spanish? Who needs it!? You can just translate the whole five pages! This is such agreat idea!" And here we are now, with my very first fanfic in english being published in my favorite page... Let's see how this works out. The original one-shot in spanish is published in wattpad (@The-weird-fangirl) and in forumfree's Amor y Mundo Yuri (• K o u •).
> 
> Oh! I almost forgot. This is a post-season 4 fanfic, so yeah, prepare for mayor spoilers.

1It didn't matter how you looked at it, it was a cell. A place with everything she needed to rest and get cleaned up… with a force field as a door. She could've said she hated it, but it was a hundred times better than the Horde cell she had been thrown into a couple of months ago. Besides, Horde Prime pretty much gave them the keys, as if they were nothing but a simple guest room. Glimmer was staying in the other one, just beside hers.

It was really stupid, and the last of her problems, but she couldn't stop thinking why he had put them so close. He probably thought they were friends. Catra almost laughed thinking about it.  
Almost.

She was too tired, too done, too sad to enjoy the irony. The longest day in her life was coming to an end in an oddly peaceful note that disconcerted her.

A couple hours ago she had been ready to hand her neck on a silver platter to Bright Moon's Queen, ready to finally die and leave everything behind, slip into the sweet darkness that looked at her seductively from afar. 

Everything she had fought for, everything she had sacrificed lost. 

"Your heart's never been in it" Said Double Trouble last time. Maybe they were right, maybe that was why the few victories tasted so bitter and empty. She lacked the needed passion to be evil. Double Trouble… it was comical how every time she thought she had started a good friendship something went wrong. Catra genuinely thought they were colleagues… how horrible was to learn in such a terrible moment that her "colleague" didn't see anything but money in her. 

No. It wasn't like that.

She couldn't say everything was false with them.

"It's for your own good, darling." 

Maybe they were right; maybe it was time to see things from another angle, the one the others were looking from. 

"A bad villain and never a good girl. What is your place, kitten?"

"You're a bad friend."

"You'll never be enough."

The voices started to agglomerate, repeating in an endless echo that was driving her crazy. How long would it take her to go completely insane?  
She felt so lost. Without motives, without anything, she ever looked for. If victory was not her objective… what was it?

She didn't know the answer.

She didn't know what she wanted anymore. That was why Glimmer's staff in front of her face had looked so promising. Death; The end of her agony.   
What would happen if she died? And after that? In the Horde, they taught her death was the end of everything, but many etherians didn´t think the same. Some of them believed in flower fields, some others in a new life, or even a perfect place. 

Catra didn´t feel like going through any of that. She didn't trust herself to live a new life; this one had taken all of her strengths to do so. The flower field didn't seem like the best place either. What would she do? Sing and take care of the flower buds as if she were an idiot princess? No, it wasn't for her.

The best would be oblivion, like going to sleep, but without nightmares, no hopes, no yearnings or expectations, only darkness, and warmth forever. It was so inviting…  
But in the end, sparkles didn't do it. Catra hadn't understood why yet; the chance was there and she didn't have the strength to fight against what seemed as her exit ticket.

Compassion? The queen's eyes were shining with pride the moment she found her broken on the floor. She would never forget her satisfied look; her cold voice as she sentenced it was over. But then she stopped when she heard her rendered mutter, letting her (asking her) to do it. Her eyes reflected surprise, but also bleakness. Catra saw in that glare the same feeling she had been carrying for so long, and for the first time she said it out loud:

"Looks like we're both alone, sparkles." She wondered in which moment she had ended up having so much in common with Bright Moon's Queen; Ambitious, goal-centered, visceral, lonely.

She didn't get to know if Glimmer would finish her off; half a second after she was twisting in pain. The Rebels' powerful weapon turned out to be too dangerous, and Catra's death became irrelevant. Would she have killed her if she hadn't noticed?

She seated on her bed, her head still a mess.  
It was kind of curious to think she never got what she wanted, not even her darkest wishes. What did she have to do to get what she needed for once?

Double Trouble's words resonated beneath her skin once again.

"Did you ever stop to think maybe they're not the problem? It's you, wildcat"

Maybe they were right. Maybe she was the only one responsible for everything. But then, if she was the only cause, how could she live with herself?

Death seemed to be the answer at that moment. Even now, Catra wasn't sure it wasn't. with no motive and a disgrace magnet in her chest…

She hated to think about it. It was a thousand times bitterer blaming herself than thinking about the consequences. If she was the problem she would have to accept she had hurt so many on the name of her pride, or whatever it was. Did she get something? Of course not, barely a couple shiny moments in a stormy sea where she sank little by little. Those gleams were not from happiness, now she knew. When was the last time she had felt that?

She remembered the small world built-in that strange dimension, the way everything seemed perfect. A Shadow Weaver that treated her with love, Adora as Force Capitan and Catra to her side. A world without problems where the princesses were a past thing, where nothing could be better. She remembered the feeling of not wanting to ever remember; leave everything behind, as it was nothing more than a dream, accept that precious reality even if it was falling apart. 

A perfect world dying without noticing it. 

What a blessing it would be to go back there. The Horde actually winning, Shadow Weaver being nice with her, with friends and Adora beside her. Was it really her fault not having her now? What could she have done differently to stop this from happening?

Was it too late to fix it…?

In that cell, with the words everyone had left her, a ruined empire, and an objective she didn't want, Catra asked herself for the first time what was what she really wanted, and doing so, the wave of her misdeeds pounced on her harder than ever.

She didn't mean to make Scorpia feel useless, she actually wanted things to work with her. She remembered that day in the desert when Scorpia simply suggested staying there together to reign the Crimson Wastes. She actually considered it for a couple minutes, just before finding out Shadow Weaver ran right into Adora's arms. 

She didn´t mean to expel Entrapta from The Horde that way, she was her friend. She simply wanted to open the portal and make everything finish. Days before she had saved her life from Hordak; her sentence to Beast Island has been reduced to the Crimsom Wastes. It wasn't much, but at least she was able to see a glimpse of hope. And how did she pay her favor? Making her suffer the same hell she had saved her from.

She never meant to push Adora away.  
That was the deepest wound.

She had been her only support for so long… the only reason she was still alive despite being raised in The Horde. She thought about how Adora's hand extended to her at the moment they both took their decision. She asked her to go with her. Catra only knew to spit on her face at that moment, still doubting if it was the best thing. But she regretted it the moment she saw the Fright Zone without her. After having witnessed Bright Moon's beauty, going back to that cold metal place on her own was the hardest part. She wanted to go; she wanted to follow the girl whom she owed her life, understanding that what was happening in The Horde was not good.   
But instead, she decided to go through the rage path only for the tiny chance to prove everyone she was as good as Adora. 

She could barely imagine how it would've been going with her. Maybe she would get along with that bunch of idiots Adora called allies. Maybe they could've been friends. Maybe she would have her own room, or even better: the chance to sleep beside her, just like before all this mess. 

Yeah. Of course. 

She was still struggling to accept every word Double Trouble had said. There was a limit of punches she could endure in a day. Somehow every single one of them was coming to her at that exact moment. 

"You really are obsessed." They said with her voice. If they thought that, who else did? Sparkles in the other cell? Scorpia? Adora herself?

It wouldn't surprise her. After all, how long had they been together? The years left marks in Catra's memories, but they didn't warp them enough to be different. Catra had saved Adora's life, and she had saver hers. The reason why both of them were still alive was the other.

Inside her mind, she saw how their relationship was thrown into a confusing spiral until long before all this disaster happened. Together always, laughing, pulling pranks, helping each other in everything they could. For so long, the only one holding her was Adora. Now she could see it better; that was the reason why she had never stopped looking for her. She depended on her, of what she said, of what she thought. Maybe that one had been her first mistake.

She wanted to prove she could do it on her own, that she didn't need anyone. She wanted to prove that to Adora, not to herself. What an irony, depending on your nemesis like that, that the core of your actions is the acceptance of your sworn enemy.

She felt so useless. In the end, everything pointed that Shadow weaver was right all along. She wasn't good at this. She wondered if Adora could've done it differently, if she hadn't ever found the sword, would she really have continued with the original plan? Before the sword, Catra would've said yes with no doubt. Now she wasn't so sure. Adora was good by nature; maybe she would've left The Horde anyways after seeing the beauty in the woods and the other kingdoms. She would find that place a thousand times better than The Horde, than her, with or without the sword. Ad what was Catra? What was her? Good? No. Bad? Neither, apparently.

She felt so small between those white walls, like a little girl again, but with no one to go to. Nobody was going to comfort her, no one would look for her, and no one would try to reach her this time.

So lonely… for the first time she didn´t have anything to cover the sensation; not an ally, not a friend or an objective… nothing. It was the first time she felt loneliness as a void within her that she could not fill with anything.

She didn't want to be alone.

The thought was not a realization; it was more like admitting what she tried to hide from herself and others. Accept that Double Trouble was right in the end, that in reality she only wanted someone to be proud of her, someone to talk to carelessly for hours, someone to love.

"Catra." A voice pulled her out of her little hellhole. In front of the cell, Glimmer, The Queen of Bright Moon, was standing still. She didn´t know what could she possibly want. Killing her at that moment was no longer an option, not after their deal with Horde Prime. It wasn't like she could use her powers there anyways; they had stopped working for some reason once they arrived on the ship. In other words, she didn't have anything to do there.

"What do you want?" she barked. She wasn't in the mood to pretend self-confidence, but it had been a while since she had spoken to someone in a friendly way, so that ended up being her regular tone.  
The queen didn't answer. She didn´t seem to know either; she looked lost as if she hadn't walked there on her own. Catra wondered if that was the same look she had.

Glimmer just sat in front of her cell. The force field was not activated, but Cattra assumed she didn't feel comfortable entering with her. To be honest, she wouldn't feel well if she entered. But having her there a few feet away was better than being by herself.

Neither of them would sleep that night; that was obvious. They had too much to think about; a thousand regrets were accumulating in the silence of a cell miles away from a planet with an uncertain future. Both of them hated each other to death, and the presence of the other felt like a gun pointed to the head, but it was better than the void of loneliness.

Catra didn't say a word when Glimmer started sobbing in her corner. Glimmer didn't say anything either when she felt Catra's presence beside her. Each one entered their own hell, looking at their demons to the eye for the first time. And so they stayed there for a long time, with the repentance, the pain, and the bitterness. But with the other's back reminding them that in the end, they didn't have to be alone.

**Author's Note:**

> You did it! Thank you so much for comming all the way down here, it really makes me happy! ^^  
> Please! Tell me about any mistakes you find in the text, it really helps me out to improve my writing, and I love a good advice!


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